
Posted originally on the Archive_of_Our_Own at https://archiveofourown.org/
works/13036188.
  Rating:
      Explicit
  Archive Warning:
      Underage
  Category:
      M/M, Multi
  Fandom:
      CROSS_GENE
  Relationship:
      Kim_Yongseok/Everyone, Kim_Yongseok/Lee_Seyoung, Kim_Yongseok/Shin_Wonho,
      Kim_Yongseok/Terada_Takuya, Kim_Yongseok/Kim_Sangmin, Kim_Yongseok/Chu
      Xiao_Xiang_|_Casper, Kim_Yongseok/Gao_Jianing_|_JG, Shin_Wonho/Terada
      Takuya
  Character:
      Kim_Yongseok, Gao_Jianing_|_JG, Kim_Sangmin, Takuya_Terada, Shin_Wonho,
      Chu_Xiao_Xiang_|_Casper, Lee_Seyoung
  Additional Tags:
      Fluff, Smut, Angst, Monologue, Crying, Angst_with_a_Happy_Ending, Anal
      Sex, Oral_Sex, Rough_Sex, Semi-Public_Sex, Experimentation, Internalized
      Homophobia, Porn_with_Feelings, Drunkenness, Drunk_Sex, Break_Up,
      Roleplay, Photographs, this_is_really_really_pretentious, i_just_wrote_a
      lot_of_poetic_shit_about_sex_and_love
  Stats:
      Published: 2017-12-16 Words: 3501
****** The personal diary of Kim Yongseok ******
by shitai
Summary
     Yongseok recounts the ever-changing relationships of Cross Gene from
     predebut onwards.
Notes
See the end of the work for notes
God, Cross Gene have been through some shit. A lot of shit, to be precise. We
had a renowned reputation for being one of the gayest groups in K-Pop. And I'm
not surprised in all honesty. There's some truth behind the fiction.
The first member... it was JG. We were trainees, around 15 or 16, and on our
way back from dance practice he pulled me into a cleaning cupboard and shut the
door behind us. It was dark, and I could barely see, but I could feel his hot
breath against my ear. We were around the same height at that point, and when
my eyes adjusted to the darkness, I could see that he was looking right into my
eyes. We stayed like that for a few seconds, neither of us really knowing what
to do until he leant forward and kissed me. I guess we must have both been
going through the “experimenting” phase, because I kissed back, and pulled him
closer to me. The closet was small, we were practically stood on top of each
other anyway. It was just so much nicer when he leant into me and his hands
were resting on my chest. He starting grinding against me, and I did the same
thing back, too scared of getting caught or doing something “wrong” and being
kicked out of the company for it to undress. Neither of us really knew what we
were doing, but I knew at some point he began leaving hickeys on my neck, and I
came first. I’d never been with a guy before- Well, anyone really- and I went
so limp that I thought I’d knock JG over. But I didn’t, and I jacked him off in
his sweatpants until he came as well.
We didn’t really talk on the way back to the dorms. I think we were both too
ashamed of what we’d done to have any words to say. And having to walk around
after having just cum in your jeans is not a pleasant experience. We made it
back to the dorms in silence, and both showered, but when he came out of the
shower, he let me see him naked. I showed him me as well. His body was pretty,
toned from all the exercise and dance we had to do, but still had a sort of
youthful softness to it. I thought he looked beautiful.
We ended up falling asleep in my bed, arms wrapped round each other as a
soundless way of showing each other that we cared.
We never did anything sexual again, but JG took to sleeping in my bed with me.
He got homesick terribly, and that extra warmth comforted him. I spoke mandarin
to him, and even tried to learn some songs so I could sing to him in it. I
never told him, but I missed home too. I missed having lazy days, and going out
to see friends, and that sense of familial warmth. JG returned that normalcy to
me, even if it was only a little bit.
===============================================================================
 The second member I ever got intimate with was Takuya. It was when I turned
legal, and my hyungs (Minus Shin, someone had to look after the maknae) took me
out to a bar for a celebration. Takuya was always the worst at holding his
alcohol, and by the end of the night, he was staggering everywhere and couldn’t
focus on anything. We all begrudgingly took him back to the dorm- Well, it was
mostly Sangmin supporting him as we tried to dodge his octopus-like arms. He
was a very cuddly drunk, so when we got back to the dorms, I wasn’t surprised
when instead of him staying in his bed, he came to join me in mine. Why he
didn’t join Sangmin in his bed who would tolerate his cuddles more, I’ll never
know, but one way or another, he ended up with his legs around me and his head
next to mine. I don’t remember exactly what he said, but it was something along
the lines of “You’re so small and cute, like, every part of you is so small.”,
and I gave some smartass answer such as “there’s one part of me that’s not
small.” And Takuya being the drunk idiot he was, he giggled and then his hand
immediately hit me in the dick, trying to grab it. I winced, and he giggled
again, before saying “Want me to kiss it better?” I looked nervously over at
the other bed, but JG was already fast asleep. With the alcohol fuelling us
both, Takuya ducked under the covers and pulled my pyjama shorts off, and then
began (Messily, I must admit,) kissing the head of my cock. He took my moans as
a sign that I wanted more; He began suckling on the head of my cock and then
taking more and more of it into his mouth. I was biting down on the fleshy part
of my hand to try and keep myself quiet, and my hips were already moving as if
of their own accord, pushing more of my cock into Takuya’s mouth. He nearly
gagged, but managed to relax his throat enough to deepthroat me.
By this point, I’d learnt what masturbation was and I was less sensitive now,
so I had time to appreciate just how pretty Takuya looked with his lips around
my cock. He was making the prettiest moans, and I nearly came just from that
alone. It was when he started using his tongue as well that I lost it. It was
messy, wet and sloppy but it still felt like heaven to me.
When I came, Takuya swallowed it all without hesitation, which nearly made my
spent dick come back to life. I was about to reciprocate, but Takuya had tired
himself out from excitement and was already slumped over me, starting to fall
asleep. “Good night Yongseokkie. Sweet dreams.”
The next morning, JG found us both wrapped around each other, and my pyjama
shorts on the floor. I think he guessed what happened, but if he did, he never
told anyone. I don’t think Takuya remembered either.
===============================================================================
 A little while after that, JG left the group. I missed him horribly. Since he
was in China and we were still caught up with our schedule, our text
conversations were short and clipped, just wishing each other well and hoping
they were ok. I had to take on the role of mischievous, jokey, prankster
maknae, and it was tiring. With all our promotions in Japan, I was travelling a
lot and every time we got on the plane I just got a horrid sense of dread that
things would never be the same, that there would never be someone as close to
me as JG was.
I was very wary of Seyoung. I felt like he’d replaced JG, and it still hurt me
every time we were at the dorms and it was Seyoung in the next bed, not JG.
During our promotions in Japan, I shared hotel rooms with Sangmin. It was after
a long night and a stint of concerts that I fell into his bed next to him. He
made no mention of it, just placed his arms around me and let me fall asleep
next to him. This happened over the course of the whole tour. When everything
got too much, Sangmin was there.
He was the first member that I ever felt anything stronger than friendship for.
At first, I thought it was like with JG, just feelings of strong friendship.
But every night I spent with him changed that, and on the final night of our
tour, I curled up next to Sangmin in bed, and kissed him.
Sangmin was very stiff at first, I don’t think he knew what was going on. But
after a while, he kissed back, and smiled at me. I told him how I felt about
him, and he said he thought he felt the same. It was the happiest I’d felt
since JG left.
Seyoung and Sangmin switched rooms so I spent my nights with Sangmin. A month
or so into our relationship, whilst the other members were out, we decided that
we were both ready to have sex. It was my first time, and his as well. It was
slow, loving, caring, everything I’d ever imagined. As much as I love the
rougher side of things, I loved this caring and so- so- close experience. It
was small kisses, small movements, small noises, but there was so much more in
it. I loved Sangmin, and he loved me too. It was all under-the-covers
missionary, but it was never boring and I never tired of it. I didn't think I'd
ever be able to get bored of anything Sangmin did. He was so bright, so warm,
so comforting that I never, ever got sick of him. The Ying to my Yang, the
light to my dark.
I warmed up to Seyoung more and more after our promotions in Japan. It was the
night we won our rookie award that I really grew close to him though. It was
the first time I really felt comfortable walking up to him and congratulating
him, the first time I was happy to sit next to him and talk to him without
Sangmin’s comforting hand on my back or thigh.
===============================================================================
Sangmin and I broke up in the spring of 2014. It was a mutual agreement, that
things just weren’t going to work out for us together. Our relationship was
fuelled by post-concert adrenaline, and that had to run out at some point.
There were no hard feelings between us, and we still stayed close friends. We
just didn’t cuddle or kiss as much as we used to. I will admit, I was upset
about it, but who wouldn’t be? But there was no point moping. I had the rest of
the group to comfort me, and I had work to distract me.
We began filming for ZEDD shortly after the breakup. We flew out to Los
Angeles, the furthest I’d ever been away from home. Needless to say, I was a
little nervous. Casper was the only one who didn’t like the plane, but luckily
he was sat with Seyoung and Sangmin who helped calm him down. I was sat between
Takuya and Shin. Takuya was staring out of the plane window most of the time,
and fell asleep around an hour into the flight. I watched the sun set from the
sky, and eventually tried to sleep as well. All my efforts were fruitless, and
I ended up talking to Shin quietly. The armrest was up, and we were sat quite
close together. I made a joke, and he began laughing, doing his best to keep
quiet as many people were asleep by that point. He resorted to flailing his
arms a little, and one of his hands came to rest on my thigh. I noticed, looked
down, looked up at him, and then down at my thigh again. Shin noticed as well,
and moved his hand away.
That was the closest we’d ever been, and it was what I assumed the closest we’d
ever be.
We started filming for ZEDD the day after we landed. I watched Shin perform the
scenes I wasn’t in, and this new, confident, cocky persona I saw him adopt was,
to put it simply, fucking hot. Shin with his newly blonde hair and outfit
mussed was so attractive that I nearly died every time I watched him act. He
was an amazing actor and I loved watching him act.
When we weren’t acting, we were “backstage” as such, and Shin and I talked as
much as we could. Once, when we were the last ones filming, Shin and I were
still in costume and about to leave, but he sat down and pulled me to sit on
his lap. I assumed he just wanted to talk, but when he whispered in my ear
“I’ve seen you watching me. You’re not just a fan of my acting, are you?” I
nearly melted in his arms.
“What do you say that Nine and Seven find something to do whilst the others are
out?”
I nodded, and pulled Shin out of the backstage area and onto the set. My first
time with Shin was us both in costume, in character, on set, fucking on the
floor of an abandoned building. It was, and still is, the weirdest way I’ve
ever had sex. I even let Shin take a photo of me on his phone, half naked and
completely fucked out, with his and my cum over my chest. I don’t know if he
still has it. He probably does, he still guards his phone like it’s his life.
Shin and I fucked as much as we could over the next few years, and all in
increasingly kinkier ways. He would pull me into changing rooms when we were
shopping, bathrooms when we were at clubs, and when we were at the dorms there
was nothing off limits. We used everything we could get our hands on, any
chance we could get. He once fucked me with the bedroom door wide open, with me
riding him, as if daring anyone to come and see what he was doing. Luckily
enough, no one did, but at the time, I was sure everyone did.
My personal favourite escapade of ours was during Shin’s radio show. Whilst he
was playing a song and the microphones were off, I crawled under the desk and
began sucking him off. I kept it slow, so that when the microphones were on
again I was still sucking him off as he had to finish the show. I loved
listening him try to cover up his moans when he knew he was being broadcast to
hundreds of people.
===============================================================================
I mentioned that I thought someone heard Shin fuck me, and I was right. It was
Casper. A few days later, he cornered me when I was in my room alone, and
pinned me to my bed by my wrists. I jumped, and tried to wriggle away, thinking
it was some joke and that he was going to tickle me. But he stayed still, and
one hand pressed my hips down into the mattress.
“I heard Shin fucking you last night.” He said. His voice was low in my ear,
and it made me shiver just to hear it. He’d never sounded this sexual before,
and I loved it so, so much.
I could only nod my head. I was incredibly embarrassed, and it didn’t help that
I could feel Casper’s hard-on pressing against my ass.
“You did, didn’t you? Did you like knowing that everyone in the dorm could hear
you two last night? Bet it makes you hard just thinking about it, doesn’t it?”
Casper said, letting go of my hip and trailing his hand down to my cock which
was, true to his word, hardening quickly. “I bet I can make you scream louder.”
And so began one of the longest nights of my life.
Casper kept me in bed for hours. The foreplay was slow and careful, but as soon
as he started fucking me, it was rough, hard and ruthless. It wasn’t an equal
situation like it had been with Sangmin, Casper was taking whatever he wanted
and I had to give. From every position, from every angle, anything we could
both think of until both of us were so thoroughly tired that we slept for the
whole night and most of the day as well.
Shin didn’t take kindly to finding out that someone else was fucking me. He
confronted Casper in front of me, and they began arguing over me. Eventually,
they turned to me, asking me to pick between them. I couldn’t pick.
So they double teamed me.
Shin and Casper, both angry and fucking me? Complete heaven. Shin fucking my
throat, Casper fucking me, or vice versa, or both fucking me at the same time.
Needless to say, they managed to make me very sore. I don’t think I even got
out of bed the next day and just got them to wait on me. I loved it though. I
loved having them around me to do what I wanted and I loved whenever they both
riled each other up trying to decide who fucked me best and then taking it out
on me, trying to prove just how good they were.
===============================================================================
 
When Casper left... it was very much the same as when JG left. I cared about
him deeply, and I missed him so much. Unlike Takuya’s “jokes,” I didn’t just
miss his cock. I missed his whole self, brain, body, cock and all. Shin was
comforting, but every time we tried to fuck, it just reminded me of Casper. I’m
sure that more often than not, I ended up crying halfway through and not being
able to finish.
Naturally, our “fuck buddy” relationship fizzled out. Neither of us had any
desire to fuck each other anymore, and when Shin started fucking Takuya, I
decided not to try and force myself to suck my feelings up.
Cross Gene... Cross Gene peacefully disbanded late 2018. All the members
decided that there were better things we could be doing. Shin wanted to focus
on acting full-time, Takuya wanted to go back into modelling, Sangmin wanted to
focus on stage shows.
And that left Seyoung and I. Neither of us really knew what we wanted to do. We
were just stuck in the middle. When we sold the dorm, we decided to stay
together and moved into a small apartment. Neither of us wanted to be alone,
and everyone else had different plans, different ent groups, different futures.
I think fate just drew Seyoung and I together. We ended up living together in
Busan, near enough to the coast that it was only a walk away. We both got
different jobs, Seyoung as a radio show DJ and I was worked in the nearby
bookstore. It was a pleasant, domestic life for us together. We still got
stopped occasionally on the street by fans who recognised us, and they would
coo over us still living together even after the disbandment, but they would go
on their way after. A few years later, we could live unnoticed. After years of
hectic schedules, filming, recording and publicity, it was nice to have some
peace.
Seyoung and I started dating in January 2020. We’d nearly been living together
for a year when he told me that he loved me. We were walking along the beach,
and he blurted it out all of a sudden. It was a sweet moment, though. I loved
him and he loved me. It was as simple as that. Nothing else polluting it or
clouding it.
We rarely had sex. We didn’t need it. We could prove that we loved each other
in so many different ways. We only really fucked when we were horny, not
needing the constant passion of fucking every moment we could. Sex had been...
tainted, for me anyway. It was less of a romantic thing for me. It was just
something I did in a fit of passion with anyone who was willing. That wasn’t
what I wanted with Seyoung. I wanted something nicer.
We married in 2022, in a small ceremony attended by only a few people. Our
parents came, as did some friends. Shin and Takuya came, and so did JG. I was
beyond ecstatic to see him. I’d sent out the invitation as a sort of last hope.
His solo career had finally kicked off and I didn’t know if he would be too
busy to attend, but he managed to push everything aside to see me. It’s still
one of the nicest things anyone’s ever done for me. I hadn't seen him in person
for nearly a decade. God, that makes me sound old... Needless to say, tears
were shed before the ceremony even started.
I suppose that idol life just wasn’t for me. But I’ll never claim that I didn’t
like it, because I loved it and it’s helped me so much with everything. I met
so many amazing people, and did and saw so many amazing things. I'll never
regret a single moment of it. Because few things in life will ever be more
precious than hearing scores of people shouting your lyrics back at you, and
cheering your name when you're performing amongst the people that mean most to
you.
So that’s where I’ll leave this. At the eve of my wedding anniversary. I’ll
write more if I ever get the time. I keep forgetting about this thing. Maybe
I'll write again, possibly not. But I have to go now, Seyoung’s just finished
cooking. This is such a cliche ending but-
Write to you later!
Lee Yongseok
End Notes
     Well then.
     I'm fully aware that this has some discrepancies with events that
     happened in real life and in this, but I liked the way it ran in this
     version to want to change it. And I know the start doesn't really
     match with the end, but again, I liked the way it ran, like a
     monologue.
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